When leaders fail to forgive, we all lose

Who among us has never fallen, failed, or messed up? Not a single person. We are all, at some point, flawed, fractured, and fumbling our way through life, leadership, and love. And yet, in the crucible of judgment — especially from those in positions of power — some are too quick to humiliate, too eager to fire, too righteous to forgive.

Just this past week, I witnessed an incident where a powerful figure publicly rebuked a younger colleague. 

The imbalance in power, age, and authority cast a long shadow over what could have been a teachable moment. Instead, it became a crucifixion in broad daylight. The timing of this event wasn’t lost on me — it happened during Easter week.

In the Christian calendar, Easter is a time of reflection and resurrection. When Jesus Christ said from the cross, “It is finished,”— or Tetelestai in Greek — He wasn’t merely signifying the end of suffering. The term, drawn from commerce, law, and warfare, has layered meanings: debt fully paid, sentence completely served, battle decisively won. It was, and remains, a declaration of ultimate closure.

So why do we, as mere mortals, insist on carrying others’ sins, falls, or flaws longer than necessary? Why do we act as jailers in our relationships, our workplaces, and our leadership roles?

The answer lies in our psychology.

The psychology of power, shame, and forgiveness

Behavioural science tells us that power alters perception. According to research by Dacher Keltner at UC Berkeley, people in positions of authority often lose empathy and the ability to see nuance. They become more likely to blame others harshly and forgive less easily. This is compounded by “moral licensing,” where those who see themselves as good give themselves permission to act poorly.

On the other hand, shame — the painful feeling that we are flawed — tends to be internalized by those on the receiving end. As Brené Brown’s work on vulnerability reveals, shame thrives in secrecy, silence, and judgment. The more public the fall, the deeper the wound. Shame doesn’t lead to growth. It leads to hiding.

Forgiveness, then, is not just a spiritual act — it’s a radical leadership skill. It’s a psychological intervention. And it’s essential for mental health, both for the forgiver and the forgiven. Studies show that unforgiveness can be as toxic as chronic stress. It contributes to anxiety, depression, even immune dysfunction. As one psychiatrist put it, “Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”

So, how do we lead and live better? How do we apply the lesson of Tetelestai — “It is finished” — to our own leadership, relationships, and self-care?

Here are four actionable takeaways rooted in coaching, psychology, and behavioural science:

1. Normalise being human in leadership

As a leader, model what it means to be human. Celebrate progress, not perfection. When team members fail, reframe it as feedback. Ask: “What did we learn?” not “Why did you do this?” Coaching psychology tells us that growth thrives in psychologically safe environments, not punitive ones.

Action: In your next team debrief, highlight a ‘learning from failure’ story from your own life. Invite others to share theirs. Make vulnerability contagious.

2. Distinguish between accountability and shame

Accountability says: “This needs to be addressed.” Shame says: “You are the problem.” Great coaches and leaders know the difference. They correct behaviour without attacking identity. When a person messes up, they need guidance, not guillotine justice.

Action: Use non-violent communication (NVC). “When you missed the deadline, I felt frustrated because it impacted our timeline. Can we explore what happened and how to move forward?”

3. Forgive to free yourself

Whether you’re the one who made the mistake or the one who was hurt, forgiveness is medicine. Not just spiritually, but physically and mentally. According to Everett Worthington, who developed the REACH method, forgiving others reduces stress hormones, improves cardiovascular health, and boosts life satisfaction.

Action: Try the REACH exercise: Recall the hurt. Empathize. Altruistically choose to forgive. Commit to that choice. Hold onto that forgiveness when reminded of the hurt.

4. Create “Redemption Spaces” in your world

Easter is not just about crucifixion; it’s about resurrection. We need to build cultures — in families, teams, and societies — where people are allowed to rise again. This means having room for second chances. Mistakes don’t mean people are disposable.

Action: Introduce a “Redemption Round” in your organisation. Once a quarter, recognise someone who’s bounced back from a mistake. Celebrate resilience, not just results.

As I reflect on what I witnessed this week, I think about that younger man — how easily he could have been built up instead of broken down. How easily the powerful could have chosen to coach instead of crucify.

May we all remember: It is finished doesn’t mean justice is denied. It means the debt has been acknowledged, the lesson learned, and the future opened.

We are all flawed. We are all rising. Let’s lead like we believe that’s true.

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